Jenny's story
To an outsider it looked like I had a perfect life. The job, the partner, the house, the clothes, the car, the holidays, the loving family.
Window dressing.
My mind was a shocking mess. I had brain fog, I was constantly on edge, restless, low, emotionally numb, and physically in pain with the stress. Panic and anxiety attacks became more and more frequent.
"I CERTAINLY DIDN'T WANT THE LABELS THAT WOULD BE PUT ON ME BY A DOCTOR: DEPRESSION. ANXIETY. PTSD."
The signs
I threw myself into my work avoiding the problem. I started to drink mid-week. I needed my coffee fix. I comfort ate. I started avoiding my friends. I started taking unnecessary risks when driving. I was constantly tired and found it difficult to switch off going to sleep. I feared getting attacked if I went out for a walk alone. I couldn’t breathe when in the grocery isles at Tesco. Some days I physically crumpled and could barely get off the floor.
My husband became my carer and I felt immense guilt and shame around that. I became increasingly self obsessed and I lived in my own head. I became frustratingly indecisive and didn’t tolerate changes in plans very well. I felt so lonely in my head. Surely no-one could understand what I was going through.
I'm fine
I didn’t want to tell people I was struggling. I told myself I can handle it myself. I can’t be a burden to others. People are depending on me to be strong. I don’t want to make others uncomfortable. I thought I was weak because I couldn’t snap out of it. Pathetic. Other people have much greater problems than I do. What do I have to complain about?
I certainly didn’t want the labels that would be put on me by a doctor. Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.
"HYPNOTHERAPY WORKED FOR ME WHEN CONVENTIONAL METHODS DIDN'T."
The source of my anxiety and depression
It started with the unexpected breakdown of a tight-knit friendship in 2013. Though it wasn’t a divorce it felt that way. We divided our things, I moved out and I had the dawning realisation that my support network in the UK was suddenly gone. I felt alone in the UK, all my family being in Ireland. I had met my husband-to-be before this but the relationship was still quite new.
I just spiralled. Things from my past started to resurface, triggering PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, anxiety and severe panic attacks). I now know that it wasn’t one specific event that caused my negative frame of mind. It was an accumulation of stresses and difficult events that built up until I reached breaking point. In hindsight I can see that now.
Motivation to change
We all reach a low point where we say ENOUGH. Something had to change. For me that was wanting to start a family. The thought of not being able to show up as a parent was the catalyst for change I needed.
Trial and error
So I booked an appointment with my GP. I declined medication for fear of side effects and stigma. I’ll never forget what he said to me. “You’re just an anxious person.” I left the office furious, pure gobsmacked that just because I hadn’t taken up the offer of medication that no other options were on the table.
I self referred to the NHS mental health team for CBT. I waited for four months on a waiting list only to be told I needed to be referred again to a different team, that CBT was not suitable for the severity of my symptoms. Great.
Frustrated, I turned to private counselling. For over a year I talked and talked but it only made me feel worse and I cried my eyes out when I got home more times than not. I remember my counsellor and I talking about the shame I was feeling. They said it wasn’t my shame to bare. I couldn’t wrap my head around that. My head wasn’t in a place to hear those words.
I tried meditation and mindfulness numerous times. My negative thoughts were so intrusive that I felt majorly defeated in my attempts.
"MY HYPNOTHERAPIST EDUCATED ME ABOUT THE BRAIN.... IT MADE SENSE. IT GAVE ME HOPE. I COULD SEE HOW IT WAS GOING TO WORK."
I bought self help books, trawled over articles online, and I even subscribed to a wellness magazine. Putting the advice into action felt overwhelming without someone to guide me though and I’d go back to square one time after time.
Journaling left me feeling like the problem was enormous and often insurmountable.
And exercise? The gym became another place that triggered anxiety attacks. I became fearful of going for walks because I often felt like my chest was going to explode with the physical manifestation of pain and angst.
I eventually told my family. That did gave a little relief. I remember my dad suggesting I take up golf and yoga when I told him. Checked trousers and downward dogs… mmm maybe when I’m less of a mess Dad.
None of the mainstream advice worked for me.
I fell pregnant and I still didn't have it together. Shit.
Five months into the pregnancy I had my first experience of hypnosis. The hypnosis was for coping with pregnancy and labour pains, not for day to day life. It worked really well for me and I had a calm confident birth.
The low mood and anxiety soon returned after the birth of my son. I remember day after day sitting on the couch crying alone in the house with my new born. I was in a bad way. The days I would look at my son and feel completely numb and detached scared me.
My Hail Mary
I started looking at hypnotherapists’ websites in my local area. I found a local hypnotherapist who looked friendly and she had advertised her techniques were based on neuroscience. OK. You’ve got my interest. I like science and results. Still, I went to the first session with a healthy dose of scepticism, hoping for the best and not expecting much.
I was blown away. She educated me about the brain and where my anxious behaviours and flashbacks were coming from. It all made sense. It gave me hope. I could see how it was going to work.
Eight therapy hours later I felt so much more like myself again. The plague of years of anxiety and depression had lifted. It was like coming up for air.
"MY HUSBAND IS NO LONGER MY CARER. WE ARE A COUPLE AGAIN."
A new start
I rebuilt my life from the inside out. Suddenly I could talk about my experience easily and openly. I had tools to manage the bad days. I was able to keep things in perspective. Inspired by what happened, I retrained as a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist. Learning about the brain-body-stress connection and practising hypnotherapy became my passion.
During training I had a miscarriage
This was a true test of the resilience the therapy had given me. I did not hide away. I put my learning into action and came through. Two months later I was pregnant again with my second child. We had a healthy baby girl during lockdown.
So what does life look and feel like after coming through the other side
For one thing, my husband is no longer my carer. We are a couple again. I enjoy my time with our children (when I’m not over-tired!). I’ve become much better at asking for help to avoid overwhelm. My family and health are now my number one priorities.
Hypnotherapy is resilience training and rehabilitation from a life with chronic stress. Change is possible.
My take home message
There is no silver bullet for anxiety and depression. Hypnotherapy worked well for me when the conventional methods didn’t. I want to give that option to others who can relate to my story.
Email: info@jennyarmitage.co.uk
Tel: (0044)7713033305